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REVISION OF PRACTICE PARAGRAPH

Comments:

The original paragraph is difficult to follow, lacking a flow of sound and an intelligible sequence of ideas. In the revision, in contrast, the subdivided paragraphs are linked together by a continuous thread of argument.

In the revision, each paragraph has a single main point to make that creates a context for the paragraph that follows. The three paragraphs present the problem, the current solution and its limitations, and the proposed new solution. This is a conventional sequence for a journal article's introduction. The original uses the same order, but it is not clearly articulated to the reader, so obscurity results.

In the revision, introductory and concluding sentences create a context before new (and complex) ideas are introduced. Note that the last sentence returns to the topic introduced in the first sentence, to neatly round off the passage.

Within each paragraph, sentences are revised to clarify linkages and transitions. Note

the use of verbal linkages:

  • Summary reference: "two alternative immunohistochemical markers"
  • Repetitions and parallel constructions: See highlights, paragraph 2
  • Transitional linkages: "in turn," "In contrast," "Currently," "In this study," "therefore"

Note that the beginning of paragraph 2 ("Currently") uses a transitional linkage to introduce the context of the paragraph's topic, while the beginning of paragraph 3 ("In this study") uses another transitional linkage to introduce a contrasting context. The vital role played by these two introductory phrases is clear when you read the original paragraph: in paragraph 2, the reader must first decipher the significance of SMA and S-100 protein, and then in the next paragraph search for clues to the significance of maspin and metallothionein. Few readers will go to such lengths to decipher a piece of writing!